Bram Stoker’s Dracula recently turned 120. It was in May 1897 that the now classic vampire novel first went on sale in London. Vampire stories were around long before Stoker wrote his famous book about Count Dracula. But since he did, the vampire has become more popular than ever. Vampires are now a permanent part of pop culture, dominating books, films, legends, video games, and comics.
But very few of these sources actually provide any helpful advice about what to do in case you ever encounter a vampire. With that in mind, here’s a guide that may just save your life – and your soul:
How to escape from a vampire
1. Find out what kind of vampire you’re dealing with.
Is is the Queen of the Damned? Or just Edward Cullen? The sooner you figure this out, the sooner you’ll know how you can escape. For example, if you’re dealing with Edward Cullen, you can probably walk out of there with just a little damage to your eyes. If you’re dealing with a more violent vampire, like Count Dracula or Countess Elizabeth Bathory de Ecsed (who reportedly bathed in the blood of young virgins), your odds of living another day just plummeted.
2. Always carry vampire protection with you.
It’s wise to keep some kind of vampire repellent on your person at all times to help you escape from a vampire. Garlic usually seems to do the trick (unless you’re dealing with Edward Cullen). But if you can’t stand always smelling like garlic, try keeping a wooden crucifix in your pocket.
Why does this work? While it’s easy to see why the crucifix wards off evil spirits, we’re not sure about the garlic. Maybe vampires just don’t like it as a seasoning?
Holy water works too, so it’s never a bad idea to sprinkle yourself with a bit if you think you may run into a vampire at some point in the day. You can probably get some on ebay.
3. If it comes down to it, get out your stake.
Sometimes, you can’t escape from a vampire.
If it’s not Edward Cullen and you left your holy water at home, you may need to take more drastic measures. Outrunning a vampire is impossible, so your only chance at survival lies in taking out your enemy.
While the be-all end-all method for vampire decimation is to decapitate the monster and burn its head, that may not always be an option. In this case, it’s time to get out your wooden stake (preferably hawthorn or ash), and drive it through the creature’s heart. If you find yourself without a stake, you can always fall back on mirrors or sunlight: both time-honored methods for stopping a vampire in its tracks.
If that doesn’t work for you, well, we’ll see you on the other side I guess. And since you won’t be needing it any more, how about bequeathing us that jar of holy water? Oh, and the stake. We may need it when you come back from the dead.