These days, Americans just seem to keep getting more and more disgruntled. We can’t get on nicely with members of the opposing political party, our social media friends, or even the environment. The fact that we’ve elected an angry tweeter to the White House seems indicative.
Denmark keeps bringing home the trophy for World’s Happiest Country: America keeps getting fatter and angrier. We’re just not happy anymore.
Well, I don’t know how to solve the obesity problem. But I think I’ve finally hit on a way for all of us to find true happiness. The real surprise is that we didn’t discover this solution about half a century sooner – around 1955, to be exact.
To find true happiness, all you have to do is plant yourself in the happiest place on earth.
Move to Disneyland!
Unless you’re the pre-change-of-heart Grinch, it’s pretty impossible to be angry inside Disneyland. You might find your anger boiling over the overpriced hamburgers that taste the same all through the park, or the length of the line for the Indiana Jones ride. And you might succeed in holding onto your anger for a minute or two.
But as soon as you look up and see Goofy, or step inside the Raiders of the Lost Ark cavern and realize the next thirty minutes are going to be the coolest you’ve ever spent in any line in your entire life, the anger just melts. You’re at Disneyland, for heaven’s sake! How can you NOT be happy in the happiest place on earth?
Disneyland will solve all our problems
But I’m convinced it’s not only the presence of Goofy and some insanely awesome rides that make Disneyland such a happy place. For one thing, there’s no government. And even if there were, I think most of us would vote for Mickey Mouse in a heartbeat. It’s pretty straightforward.
No one in their right mind would vote Goofy or Donald Duck into office. Some of us might vote for Minnie, but I find it impossible to conceive of Mickey and Minnie warring it out over the Oval Office. So there’s all our political animosity gone right away.
There’s also no car traffic in Disneyland. Those Autopia cars are pretty environmentally conscious, and Tomorrowland is a sustainable community. If we all moved there, we wouldn’t have to worry about the rising price of gas or pollution from auto fuels.
And Disney does diversity: Muslims, Native Americans, and cross-dressing Asians exist peacefully alongside white Englishmen and flying Elephants.
Where to live?
Disneyland is prime real estate. You want a jungle tree-house? A mansion on the Bayou?? A castle??? A spaceship???? You’ve got it! Maybe if we all move there, Disneyland will build some suburbs or something. Tom Sawyer Island has some nice real estate prospects. And if we kicked all those obnoxious birds out of the Tiki Room, we’d have a nice little tropical getaway.
Disney is slowly taking over every element of modern culture – including but not limited to Broadway, mangoes, and Star Wars. So it’s inevitable that eventually we’ll all just be living in a giant Disneyland. Why not cut to the chase?
I’m convinced this will solve all of America’s problems. Move to Disneyland today. Make America happy again.