Like in a scene from Emily Blunt’s Sicario U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers in Miami flew into action this week, and seized an illegal shipment of contraband with a street value they estimate at $94,000.
No it was not a shipment of cocaine stopped from entering the united states from Columbia. It was a shipment of counterfeit hoverboards en route from a toy factory in China. Dylan DeFrancisci, Director of Border Protection, explained that his department is cracking down to stop “fake” hoverboards from entering the United States.
That’s right, the hottest contraband on the blackmarket right now is not a party drug being sold in the nightclubs of Miami, but rather a futuristic transportation device that apparently is so cool and addictive people are doing anything they can to get that first ride.
These are your Feet, These Are Your Feet On a Hoverboard
It’s been nearly 4 decades since a stern faced man broke an egg into a frying pan on TV and told the world “this is your brain on drugs.” The dramatic anti-marijuana campaign didn’t really stop anyone from smoking dope but it did prove that stoners are happy to think of their brains sizzling in a frying pan and if need be prefer that it served with a side of bacon.
Now are we to believe that the feds want us to fear the act of gliding around the streets like gods on magic chariots? Well not exactly.
Not all hoverbaords are being stopped. Just the crappy ones because even those ones are in hot demand. Apparently these “fake” hoverboards are so fun that customs agents themselves are trying out the seized items before securing them in the lockup.
Are Hoverboards Safe?
What border and customs officials are actually worried about is the inconvenient truth that some of these magic scooters of the future have batteries that well, explode and catch on fire.
So the Fed’s message is this: These are your feet. These are your feet being cooked by an electrical battery fire.
I don’t think even a side-order of yummy bacon is going to convince a stoner or anybody else for that matter that shin burns and a trip to the burn trauma unit is going to be awesome.
Hoverboard Craze Keeps Going
So what’s a hoverboard enthusiast supposed to do? Well for starters think of hoverboards like, let me see, illicit drugs.
Do you want your hoverboard to be the metaphorical equivalent to a bag of nasty biker weed that some guy pulls out of his crotch on a street corner in Baltimore?
Or would you like your Hoverboard to be the metaphorical equivalent of high potency sativa that some hippy in California organically grew in unicorn manure while watering it with Fijian rainwater and singing it Grateful Dead Songs so that it would feel even more loved and grow a little stronger?
Yes, it’s true. Not all hoverboards are created equal. So how do you know if your hoverboard is going to make you glide like a god or solder your Chuck Taylors to the bottom of your feet?
For starters think about where you bought it. Did you buy your hoverboard from the trunk of some guy’s car who last week sold you some terrible weed? If so then maybe you want to consider that the hoverboard you bought is not up to safety standards.
Or did you buy your hoverboard from a reputable dealer of hoverboards who has security stickers and safety information listed on their website? Does the website look like it was designed by a reputable manufacturer or a guy who sells weed for a living? The difference here can determine the probability of whether you are about to glide like a god.
What Is The Best Hoverboard Brand?
With all the hype I decided to check out what all the fuss was about and get my first hit of the hoverboard experience.
I bought my hoverboard online. After looking at 8 different websites I decided to purchase an Oobots Hoverboard. Oobots had one of the best websites I could find, solid reviews and I liked the style of the board and the safety seals displayed (a must!)
There was an excellent video and safety information so it got my top pick. After all I wanted a board that 1) would make it through customs, and 2) would not burn my house down.
The Oobots Hoverboard did the trick and I can assure you this one was delivered without a problem!
Hoverboard: Glide Like A God
So what was it like to glide like a god? Well first off all, to keep the illicit drug joke rolling, you don’t get to glide like a god because you have to start shaking like a drug addict in withdrawal.
I can only describe my first few minutes on my Oobot as “the hoverboard shake.” I can ski and windsurf so I have good balance but this is different. When you first hop on the board you shake back and forth while your mind and muscles get used to the experience of balancing on a forward momentum board.
The “Hoverboard Shake” doesn’t last long however and although I remained tense shaking didn’t last long. After about 8-10 minutes I could stand still on the board with some caution and my arms out for balance. After another 10 minutes I could indeed glide around my office, not like a god, more like a nervous guy who has his arms up in the air as if he is about to be arrested.
Then after about another 10 minutes my body adjusted, I could drop my arms and the effortless gliding of the gods began to materialize. My body started to learn which muscles it needed for balance and as I relaxed I could easily spin in circles, weave in and out of furniture and lean forward to get a lot of straight ahead speed.
When I was confident enough to take my godliness outside and run up and down my street the feeling was bliss. And yes it was god-like. Once you are used to the mechanics your body relaxes and you can just effortlessly glide where your mind wants you to go.
The Oobots Hoverboard is topnotch. I was glad to know that I was riding a high quality board and that the special place I was racing towards was not the burn unit.
Check out Hot Girls Riding Pink Hoverboards